The sun eclipses itself (2005-2006) - A Shakira Overview Pt 4

Fijación Oral Vol 1 (2005)

After the enormously successful Tour of the Mongoose and the surprisingly high sales for the miserably live record Live and Off The Record, Shakira decided that it was the ideal time to rest in her laurels and produce an album solely for her enjoyment – which is to say that, predictably, it would be a coldly calculated exercise of epplied marketing research. Sadly, this time she decided to suck all the life from the few songs she produced during that period that are worthy of mention.

La Tortura/The Torment (Shaketon remix)

Released in early 2005 and led by the summer-ready single La Tortura, a stacatto-driven reggaeton-ish homage to inaudible pap and ridiculously pretentious lyrics with no meaning whatsoever (oh sorry, I forgot that philosophic conundrums are meant to be cryptically represented!), the Spanish language album Fijación Oral Vol 1 is Shakira’s proud return to her primary market, only there’s far too much pride in it and little of triumph. Simply put, the dullness of most of these songs is jarring, and not even the overabundance of delicately arranged little details and genre fusion could manage to push them beyond elevator music status. The said first single is made even worse by urban pseudo-poetaster supreme Alejandro Sanz’s trademark tuneless growling, of which we are thankfully spared for the rest of the record. Still, things don’t exactly improve from then on - however, tucked in the end of the album there's a remix version does manage to improve on the original considerable.

La Pared/The Wall

Swamped by mid-tempo ballads that start off shakily and go absolutely nowhere, the record does have its bright spots, even though they are so overproduced and clinical that it’s impossible not to long for the hip waving, semi-tone uttering, rock-and-dance bopping Shakira of yesteryear. La Pared, a timid rocker that’s far too short and lacking in the enthusiasm and grit of olden days, manages to successfully combine acoustic instrumentation with eighties’ styled synthesizer touches that give the song, a well-written (for a change!) tale that vividly expresses the need for closeness and assurance of a woman who is in an uncertain relationship, an air of urgency and vibrancy that makes it rather enjoyable. Similarly, the sinuous No gracefully floats across constantly changing tempos and varying degrees of loudness in instrumentation, but tends to fall short of its promise by being soporific in the verses and impossible to hear in the choruses due to all the clutter.

Las De La Intuición/The Ones With The Intuition

Journeys towards techno-fied semi-dance music follow the same pattern, silently imploding in the unclassifiable fiasco Lo Imprescindible and delicately blossoming in Las De La Intuición, a rather pleasant and relaxed dance track that barely manages to keep the listener’s interest with carefully laid little touches, only to surprise with the impossibly catchy chorus, which joyfully rides on wave of techno effects. Similarly, the sixties-inflected Escondite Inglés alternates childishly between soft half-whispered verses and bopping, cheerful choruses that inspire you to get up and jump around the room.

Escondite Inglés/English Hiding Place

Sadly, beyond these two highlights things become insufferably insipid. The album opener En Tus Pupilas ought to be used to treat people who suffer from insomnia – so dull and unmemorable it is that even the slowest Amazonian sloths would find it lethargy-inducing. Things don’t get much better with the faux-bossa nova pastiche Obtener Un Si, which indulgently drones its way through big band-esque winds and violins guided by Shakira’s girlie purrs. Fortunately, she tries to go back to her former self with the marginally enjoyable Día Especial and Día De Enero, which sound like cast offs from her previous records, but at least capture some of her former magic.

Día de Enero/January Day
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Oral Fixation Vol 2 (2005)

Considerably better than her much publicized return to her Spanish roots, Oral Fixation Vol. 2 is Shakira’s attempt at boring English audiences to death, and even though she tries with all her might, her wicked songwriters and co-producers don’t let her! Which is not to say that all the material here is good (in fact, most of it is soporific), but at least it is a little removed from the endless droning of her previous effort. Led by the gorgeous Don’t Bother, a tense and bitter rocker that begs to be screamed, yet is given an elegantly catty delivery by Shakira, the album received impressively low sales for a massively publicized record, and required the addition of the impossibly catchy Hips Don’t Lie, a beautiful folk/rock ode to lust at first sight on a dance floor that pushed Shakira right back to her better times: the period between 1998 and 2002.

Don’t Bother

How Do You Do?

Still, some of the record’s songs ooze creativity – the simply adorable How Do You Do? is Shakira’s attempt at being transcendental by criticizing religious fundamentalism in questions addressed to a distant, unfathomable divinity. Led by heavy, sparse percussion and explosive choruses, this simply delicious song is an excellent album opener. Similarly appealing is the album closer, Timor, a track that was censored in Sumatra for its political/protest content, even if it’s only yet another one of Shakira’s attempts at appearing intellectual enough as to cater to her main fan base (because you know, pampered middle class twenty-somethings around the world are politically and socially conscious, in case you hadn’t noticed before). Led by thumping beats and a catchy melody overcrowded with hooks, it is a simply fabulous dance experience.

Hips Don’t Lie (featuring Wyclef Jean)

Hey, You

Sadly, after this the album becomes pretty much lost in Shakira’s overreaching ambition and overall self-indulgence. While the sprawling Animal City is funny in an Adams family sort of way due to its strange, almost infantile melody and downright idiotic lyrics with futile pretensions of social commentary, the Alanis Morissette rip off Costume Makes The Clown is simply disgraceful (it looks like that anorexic Carole King wannabe is the one who’s going to sue Shakira for plagiarising her image this time), and is only saved by its chaotic and shouty chorus. Things do rise above barely-mediocre, though, with the vaudeville-esque rock number Hey, You – a disturbing declaration of love that’s seems to have been written by the average stalker, but does have a sweet, cheerful chorus and engaging atmosphere that’s truly charming.

Timor

Unfortunately, the ballads (Shakira’s Achilles’ tendon) seem to be particularly weak this time, with impossibly dull and murky numbers that start nowhere, and boringly run around in circles to end up in the same place where they started. The melancholy driven Carlos Santana collaboration Illegal is a sedated bolero that endlessly drags over Shakira’s guttural weeping, and has what must be the famed guitarist’s only uninspired and mood-crushing solos. Even though the lyrics do have the extremely witty line ‘you said you would love me until you died/and as far as I know you’re still alive’, that’s about the only thing saveable in the entire song. The boredom factor is taken a thousand notches down in the indescribable The Day And The Time, a song so boring and unmemorable it’s actually nearly impossible to remember anything about it besides its sheer awfulness.

Dreams For Plans

Similarly drag are the dreary snooze fests Something and Your Embrace, which has French lyrics that are meant to elevate it from being sheer shit by adding a touch of cosmopolitan sophistication to it (they don’t serve their purpose very well at all, of course). The only tolerable ballad in the entire record is the soft rocker Dreams For Plans, which actually has a gorgeous chorus and a delicately woven melody that truly manages to reflect the bittersweet melancholy and slight regret in the song’s lyrics. And after coming to the end of this review, I have to remind you to buy her records here.

And the distant star becomes a sun (2001-2004) - A Shakira Overview Pt 3

Three years separate Shakira’s flourishing into the mainstream from her explosion into the lucrative international markets with Laundry Service – an album that is, so far, the crown of her career and one of her most accomplished works, if not her best ever. As it happened since the beginning, the high points are impressive: the lead single Whenever, Wherever successfully rides the dying wave of Americanized Latin pop by trading the all too well known prefabricated Salsa rhythms that brought us people like Ricky Martin and gave Jennifer López’s awfulness a sheen of exoticism, for delicate Andean flutes. A rock-ified ode to all-encompassing, absolute love, it has some of the most contrived and stupid lyrics in history (both in English and Spanish), but Shakira’s feeble yodel and goat-like tremolo imbue the impossibly catchy melody of a passion that few songs could ever have.

Whenever, Wherever

The song managed a respectable number 6 in the US billboard charts, and shot to number one in the UK, paving the way for the more ellaborate singles to follow. Objection (Tango) is the freshest, most carelessly produced track in here, yet it’s also the most cohesive and original, combining an instrumental tango beginning with batucada and rock instrumentation. The lyrics deal, predictably, with a relationship gone awry - Shakira’s obsession with personal inadequacy and the proverbial what-does-she-have-that-I-don’t-have response to an ending love affair are bordering on pathologic fixation, but since the music is excellent, in this occasion these irritating facts are easy to oversee.

Objection (Tango)

Rules

Following the rocky vein we find a truly superb collection of tracks that manage to be appealing to the average Alanis Morissette-liking pseudo-intellectual while channeling the youthful exuberance of the Go Gos. The inescapable Rules is simply adorable with its urgent percussions and dynamic acoustic rock instrumentation, which injects the album with a healthy dose of conventional spontaneity that’s nothing short of refreshing. Not surprisingly at all, Shakira blossoms in these surroundings, and uses this organic naturalness to her best advantage in the adorable semi-ballad Fool, and the nonsensical lyrics driven Poem To A Horse, which seems to have been an attempted homage to Chrissy Hynde’s delicate, uniquely girlie contralto during its soft verses, only to turn into a rousing rock anthem with its beautifully melodic choruses.

Ready for The Good Times

However, Shakira still manages to surprise her listeners by reclaiming her status as a pop princess with the somewhat faltering homage to disco Ready for The Good Times, another trip through excellent music that fails due to utterly disastrous lyrics and a chaotic production. Still, It’s in the Spanish language tracks (or the horribly dull version of Ojos Así) when Shakira stumbles. Whereas Suerte and Te Aviso, Te Anuncio are saved by their freshness, Te Dejo Madrid/I’m leaving You Madrid is just en empty exercise of her tried and tested folk/pop-rock formula, while the insufferable Que me Quedes Tu/That At Least You’re Left To Me is one of the most insipid attempts at an faux acoustic ballad that anyone could have come up with. However, Shakira more than redeems herself with the record's only notable ballad, the Céline Dion-esque slip Underneath Your Clothes, which manages to escape the sugary Adult Contemporary cheesiness by deploying, for once, lyrics that are original in their strangeness.

Underneath Your Clothes

Overwhelmed by endless praise, awards and the additional sales of her Spanish greatest hits, the live DVD/CD compilation Off The Record and her immensely successful worldwide tour, Shakira decided to take things calmly and devote the next to years to produce what would be her most ambitious project ever: the double album Oral Fixation, delivered in two completely different versions both for the Spanish and English language markets. Before anything, I shall remind you to buy her records at Amazon.

Singles and remixes by Anna Vissi

The two years after the Athens Olympics were a particularly busy period for the ever and over-active Goddess Anna Vissi. After strutting her stuff (and almost landing on her face) across an elongated platform during the closing ceremony of the 2004 event, the doors for an international career (which had been furiously shut five years earlier by the raging winds of Kylie Minogue's massive success with the song On A Night Like This, which Anna had been hoping to promote as the second single for her English language début - instead, the rock-ified dance track Still In Love With You was chosen), opened once again for her. And which was the miraculous key that unlocked the doors to the path that leads to world wide recognition for the mysterious siren? No other than the impossibly catchy song Eisai/You Are, which had thundered its way to the top of the charts almost a year earlier, and was still receiving a considerable amount of airplay in spite of the fact that Anna had another four different singles in the Greek and Cypriot charts at that moment.

Written by her ex-husband, best friend and main songwriter, Nikos Karvelas, the song is a heavy dance number that retains its consistency by carefully assembling layers upon layers of airy electronic effects. The melody and gorgeous Arabic violin progressions gave it a touch of exotism, propelling it to the number one position in the Billboard Dance Charts - in spite of the fact that it was released by the mid-sized record company Moda Records, and received no support whatsoever from Sony BMG, Anna's record company. However, this hasn't been the first time that Anna tried to break into the international market with an English record; in 1999, she released the very inconsistent Anna Vissi, which was a chaotic mish mash of aggressive (but mostly unmemorable) club tracks and wild rock ballads. Sadly, it received very little attention outside Greece, where it was a sizeable hit. Yet and still, the Greeks weren't completely happy with it, and Anna was forced to come back to her 'roots', which was a wise decision - she had the highest sales of her career. Here, I've included the first and most successful single from that album, Everything I Am.



Everything I Am

Call Me was released in October 2004, but wouldn't reach the top of the Billboard Dance charts until six months later, mostly on the strength of digital downloads. Personally, I have to say that I very much prefer the Greek version. Anna sings it with passion, the lyrics are infinitely better and the production isn't tinny. Still, this is an enjoyable song, and the remixes I've included improve on the original enormously.

The song Lie was also included as part of the single release, and would later be extensively remixed before inclusion in the European edition of Anna's latest record, Nylon. Still, it has never been released on its own. Here I offer you two peculiar hip hop remixes that you will hopefully find more enticing than the bizarre original.



Call Me [Radio Edit]
Call Me (DJ Sakis Club Mix)
Call Me (Dance Version)

Lie (Original Version)
Lie (DJ K Style Club Mix)
Lie (Vibrate Black'n'Beatz remix - featuring Rasheeda)

I'd also like to present you with three tracks from 2006 - Anna sang them all during the gala celebrated to determine the song that would represent Greece in Eurovision. We all know that Everything won and then went on to earn a miserable 9th place in Eurovision itself, but it is a pleasant ballad nonetheless and I'm sure that, those who have been living under a rock for the last two years and thus haven't heard it yet, will enjoy it quite a lot. Echo Tosi Agapi ought to have been, if I'm not mistaken, the fifth single to be extracted from Nylon - sadly, Anna decided to concentrato on the perparations for her new English and Greek language records, which will be released simultaneously, and cancelled all further promotion. She also performed it during the Greek song selection gala, much to everyone's delight.

Finally, I am leaving you with one of the other four songs that were contending for the 'honour' of being performed in Eurovision - the obscure, unwelcoming and cold Welcome To The Party, which rapidly becomes unnerving with its ultra-processed vocals, insistent beat and waving tides of electronic effects. It was included, like many other tracks, in the revamped Euro Edition of Nylon, a two CD set that includes an abundance of remixes and previously unreleased material in addition to, of course, the original track list.

Oh, before I forget! The far more cheerful Who Cares About Love? is also part of the disc. It has recently been released as a promotional single, and I've included it in one of my previous posts!

Finally, I'd like to remind you to buy Anna's records here.

Welcome To The Party
Everything
Έχω Τόση Αγάπη - Echo Tosi Agapi/I Have So Much Love

The Belgian snow rose - Lara Fabian

Excuse me for beginning this post with a little rant, but the fact that Lara Fabian isn't worshipped like a goddess, is irrefutable proof that there is no justice in this world. With that out of my chest, allow me to begin :-) . As it happened with Céline Dion, I have found it pointless to try to make some sort of biographical ‘article’ about La Fabian, mainly because every possible aspect about her life has already been divulgated, but also because it is even less dramatic than Céline Dion’s. There are no heartbreaking choices, a love that’s been sacrificed or a meteoric explosion into glory after years of misery in Lara Fabian’s life. As it happens with her music, everything about her has been a measured collection of happy moments and wise, well-meditated decisions driven by the sheer power of her voice, which reflects the unbendable strength of her determination to succeed.

Gifted with an impeccable voice that is object of significant discussion among her fans (finding out whether she is a coloratura soprano, as Hugues Gall, the then director of the renowned Opéra National de Paris, enthusiastically declared in 2001; or a mezzo, as Lara likes to refer to herself, takes a significant part of the lives of her fans), La Fabian majestically belts, gracefully chirps, delicately whispers and beautifully bares her soul both on record and across scenarios all around the world with an elegance and modesty that are both mystifying and admirable. Simply put, she is superb.

However, something strange about Lara is that she is neither mutable nor adaptable as a singer; stubbornly fixed on her vision of herself as a 'traditional' belter, she explores her art by encasing it within the confines of her voice and forcing it to find a new form of expression in every varying colour and wanton changes during performances. This places Lara in a category of her own, because she remains alien to changing trends in music or to the notion that singing in her native language is equivalent to personal and artistic freedom (as it happens with Céline Dion) – Lara is always the same, even though she definitely sounds more comfortable performing in any other language besides English.




I like to compare Lara’s voice to a blossom that combines incomparable beauty with cold, impossibly detached technical precision; which is not to say that her music is devoid of emotion – her particular feelings and experiences are what colours and gives substance to her singing, making Lara and her voice two separate entities united in their aim to please and enthrall an audience. This could be reflected in this interview (followed by an amazing performance of Lucio Dalla’s Caruso); in it, Lara mentions how her love for her mother and the closeness she has always felt with her grandmother give her singing in Italian an enormous personal value. Italian is the language or Lara’s early childhood in the beautiful region of Catania, in Southern Italy: French, Spanish, German and English would come a bit later (mind you, only a bit later), when she moved back to her native Belgium. This ability to express her own feelings through music while using her voice as a mere instrument is what makes La Fabian so incredibly special, and her albums such a wonderful experience.

However, not all things about Lara are positive. Sadly, as of late she has been indulging excessively in her insufferable (and erroneous) Barbra Streisand-inspired attempts at giving greater emotional resonance to songs by sucking all the life from them with empty, soul-less displays of perfectly melodious droning. Which is fine (my grandmother loves it), but we should not forget that Barbra has only managed to be memorable whenever she has actually bothered to perform her songs, rather than partaken in her solipsistic love for her own voice and public persona. Quite frankly, I cannot imagine anyone being capable of listening to most of La Streisand's records without falling into a coma (there are very notable exceptions to this, of course, and I shall talk about them soon enough) - what made Lara so special is that she was never afraid to show off that she is a vibrant, technically proficient performer with a wonderful, hurricane-powered voice. Not just a whispering ego with no musical taste whatsoever, which is what she seems to want to emulate for some strange reason.



And well, we finally come to the selection I’ve made for today. I hope you enjoy it and, as always, I remind you to go to buy her records. Fnac or Amazon are both good options.

Je Suis Malade/I Am Ill

The spectacular first single of the marvelous album Carpe Diem/Seize The Day (1994), this ode to desperate, hopeless love was first made a classic in 1973 by singer/songwriter Serge Lama. Few words could express how beautiful this song is, nor how utterly and most completely wonderful Lara manages to make it with almost no effort at all. Delicately, the melody navigates through sorrowful piano scales that tiredly build a melancholic atmosphere, only to be overshadowed by the instrumental and vocal explosions that take place during the choruses. The end is simply spectacular, with Lara belting away up to a deafening climax. Watch this wonderful live performance and be amazed.

Je T'Aime/I Love You

My favourite song by Lara, this was the second single (and GIGANTIC hit – so much so, it has become a classic) from her 1996 album Pure. If you just have to buy an album by Lara, this is it. Especially if like myself, you cannot be satisfied unless and album has an abundance of ballads, you are going to be delighted! However, and as impossible as it might seem, this song is far above the rest in quality – or better said, this should have turned Lara into a legend. The song delicately navigates from slow, delicate verses to the stormy choruses, which will thunder their way into your heart (oh-my-god, tell me that that display of shitty, cheesy and stupidly bad writing isn’t mine – I should just quit this blog and start writing Harlequin novels ;-P) with the force and passion of a torrential rain. If you are one of those sad persons who love to torture themselves by listening to melodramatic love songs after their relationships have ended – why do I keep letting people into my darkest, filthiest secrets? – you’re gonna love this. And if you are even remotely human, you will as well. Video of a live performance.

La Différence/The Difference

After receiving three e-mails politely objecting to the inclusion of Carola in this blog (sorry guys - the Bee Gees made me weak!), I have decided to redeem myself by including this beautiful anti-homophobia anthem, which was originally released as an independent single and included as part of Pure in later pressings (I told you it was an amazing album). It also happens to be the second biggest hit from the album – rapidly reaching the number one position in France, and staying in the top ten for over three months. There’s not much to say about this songs besides the fact that the lyrics are fabulous, and inspirational – far from being a ridiculous Kumbaya-inspired preachy, condescending mess (which is what most songs with a social message are), it just tells how gay people are normal people and, well, that’s it really. Video.

J'y Crois Encore/I Still Believe It

This is a sample of Lara’s Streisand-esque newfound style. However, it is a rather interesting ballad (that’s why I have included it :-) ), and one of the highlights of the lovely 2001 album Nue/Naked. It has a rockier sound than her previous songs, and the change suits Lara wonderfully! Needless to say, this is much more interesting than the majority of things that Barbra Streisand has ever done (the majority, but not all - let's take a moment to remember that La Streisand's high points are unsurpassable by any mortal), but it nevertheless is tinged by her style. Great song! Video.

Adagio (Italian Version)

After this overdose of French songs, what about a little touch of Italian to remind us how awesome Lara is in her mother tongue? Directly lifted from Baroque composer Tommaso Albinoni’s overused to death Adagio (Pachelbel’s Canon et Gigue is a close second, ugh!), this could have been disastrous, but Lara wisely focuses on performing it as a delicate heartbreak song and leaves all pretences of classical legitimacy aside (not because she can’t have them by the way – unlike that fat sow Mariah Carey, Lara is an opera singer first and foremost). The ending is particularly impressive, with a thunderous final belt that will leave you awe-struck. Video of a superb live performance.

Otro Amor Vendrá/Another Love Shall Come (I Will Love Again)

And I couldn’t leave without including a danceable song. You all know about this track, so I’m just going to say that Lara’s Spanish is impeccably pronounced, and she sounds infinitely more comfortable singing in it than in English. This version was a HUGE hit in Spain and Latin America (the summer of 2001 I happened to travel both to Mexico and Argentina, and it was impossible to escape from this song – it was everywhere!!!). What I like of this version is the bridge, which Lara belts at full force, unlike in the English version, which has an annoying F5 in head voice. Lovely! Video.

The mirror of Russia's soul - Alla Pugacheva

Alla Pugacheva (or, more properly, Pugachyova) is Russia’s greatest living musical legend, a cultural icon, the voice of an era, a treasure of womanhood, an example of virtue, pride and fortitude… and one of the most pedestrian characters to ever grace the covers of Russia’s sleaziest, most rubbishy tabloids. Inappropriately clad in impossibly tight and short, short, short miniskirts while bopping her way across scenarios all over the world, the Great Pugacheva has become as famous for her exceptional musical abilities and stage command, as for her bizarre antics and the lack of dignity that she proudly showcases wherever she goes. In order to make justice to her personality, I’d have to describe her as a somewhat sane, completely careless and cheerful version of Norma Desmond. You know, a strange old lady who is mostly stuck in the past that, for some reason, you just have to love (or, as in my case, become obsessed with). As bizarre and silly as all that is, I still have to say that there’s so much more to Pugacheva than self-deprecating humour and a love for tacky, old-fashioned vaudeville style shows. She is a historical figure (albeit a minor one) and one of the loudest voices that rose against the homogenizing principles of Communism in Russia, not because she necessarily opposed the regime –personally, I think she couldn’t have cared any less about who was in power; she was The Woman Who Sings, after all, and that has always been her only concern- but because her massive and unparalleled stardom went against everything that Communism stands for. Alla is, by all means, the first and foremost diva in Russia (not to mention a great lyricist and very notable songwriter), and we all owe her some respect for that.

Born in Moscow during the morning of a gorgeous April day in 1949, Pugacheva lived music since her earliest years: in 1954 she participated in her first concert, and from there went on to follow a music-oriented educational programme that led her to graduate as a musical conductor, pianist and choral arranger from the Ippolitova-Ivanovna music college. At sixteen, she released her first song: the utterly horrible (as the majority of her pre-fame material) Robot. After graduating in 1966, she started touring the entirety of the U.R.S.S. as part of a myriad of groups, the most notorious of which was Vyesyoliye Rebyata/The Merry Children. After a decade of incessant touring and intermittently working as a piano accompanist, as well as being the faceless voice for many famous songs in Soviet screen musicals - which give a whole new meaning to the phrase badly ideated and staged propaganda -, she entered the extremely prestigious Golden Orpheus competition in Bulgaria, and won by a landslide with the peculiar song Arlekino.



In the very beginning, Pugacheva had been a musical force to be reckoned (at least in terms of sheer potential), but soon after that she would become unstoppable – so much so that she even collaborated with ABBA’s true ugly woman and what I have no doubt was the inspiration for Misha, the round bear cub from the 1980 Olympics: Björn Ulvaeus and Benny Andersson. They produced her disastrous in musical terms, and inexplicably successful in chart terms, English language album Watch Out! Both compassion and fear of being accused of deliberately instigating people to commit suicide, force me to warn you: it is NOT a good album. Unless you like really bad music (I’m referring to the equivalent of pouring molten lava into your ear), or are into extreme sadomasochism, don’t buy it.

Leaving artistic matters behind, the really juicy part of Alla’s life are her tumultuous marriages, her ever-oscillating weight, tasteless and inappropriate sense of fashion and obsession with plastic surgery which, by the way, hasn’t saved her from looking more and more bloated and hideous with every passing year – although I suspect that very heavy drinking, eating like a pig and chain smoking may have a little more to do with the fading of The Woman’s looks than anything else, as well as, in a far sadder note, the considerable deterioration of her voice. However, these things are insignificant when one concentrates in her love life.



In 1969 she married Estonian circus conductor (classy, classy, classy) Mikolas Orbakas, and the marriage produced Pugacheva’s only child: horrid, anorexic whingeing cow Kristina Orbakajte, who is massively popular in Russia because, well… There’s no reason for it, actually. Not even nepotism justifies the fact that people are crazy enough as to listen to her nails-on-a-chalkboard voice and shitty ‘music’. But I digress. Her marriage broke soon enough, but Pugacheva soon found love in the arms of film director Aleksandr Stefanovich, who is mainly responsible for her utterly laughable (and enormously successful) film career, the only tolerable moment of which is the film The Woman Who Sings, one of her official titles. After a most embarrassing divorce in which both parts whinged and complained endlessly about each other (in public, of course) while fighting like children over the many properties they had acquired during the course of the marriage, Alla married prominent producer Yevgenij Boldin, who worked in many of her records since the early eighties.

After unceremoniously dumping Boldin, in 1994 she married her now ex-husband, in-the-glass-closet flaming queen Filipp Kirkorov (who claims to be straighter than an arrow in spite of the fact that he looks like a cross between the average goat and Cher’s ugly transsexual sister), who went on to become one of Russia’s greatest stars, and will indubitably be the object of a lengthy, scary post in the future along with his new beloved; screechy-voiced plastic surgery freak Masha Rasputina (for whom he allegedly abandoned Pugacheva, although some other accounts say that she was already cheating on him anyway with comedian Maksim Galkin, another man who exudes about as much masculinity as Judy Garland). However Rasputina is, as far as I know, still married to the father of her two children… Oh, the sordidness and vulgarity of it all. Don’t you love it?



Anyway, Pugacheva still remains an icon in spite of the fact that she cancels presentations and concerts at whim, has only released three albums of deliciously bad original material in more than a decade and has theatrically retired and pathetically come back (or was it the other way around? ;-P) enough times as to have had fifty music careers during her lifetime. If you want to buy some of Pugacheva’s records, I’d advise you to purchase one of the many compilations she has released since 1996. Rechnoj Tramvajchik/The River Ferry is a good start – buy it, or any other of her records, here or here.

Finally, after this lengthy article, we come to the selection I’ve made. I hope you enjoy these songs, as most of them are truly exceptional, and a few of them are, at the very least, entertaining. Here they are!

Айсберг - Ajsberg/Iceberg

This amazing ballad is my favourite song by La Pugacheva. The first time I heard this, I thought about Dalida in the mid-sixties… However, this is from 1981! Never mind – it’s one of the most ravishingly beautiful ballads I’ve ever heard, and the lyrics are superb (not to mention, Pugacheva’s voice is a million times better than Dalida’s, and the arrangement is far beyond what anyone ever did in the sixties). “Like an ice mountain emerging from the fog/The iceberg navigates across the boundless seas/Fortunate are those who know how dangerous it is on the ocean!/How dangerous it is when a ship meets the iceberg on the sea!”. The song is a marvellous metaphor for a woman’s conscious choice to “rush head on into love” and meet the dangerous iceberg, whose obscure feelings lie hidden underneath black, dangerous waters: the most unsuitable of lovers, who will destroy her. Amazing song. The original video is… well, watch it and you’ll understand the meaning of the word ‘peculiar’.

Стринные Часы - Starinniye Chasy/The Antique Clock

This is my second favourite song by Pugacheva. This time, we are faced with the sorrowful tale of a desperate woman who tells her grieves to the aching memory of her estranged lover – a man she can’t forget, even though he abandoned her long ago. Sadly, the only one who listens to her is an antique clock, her only true companion in life and, through suffering and despair, her true soul mate: the clock was also in love with the man, and as he broke her heart, he broke the two Cupids that marked the clock’s ticking… Isn’t this the most original soap opera plot you’ve ever read about?! ;-P The chorus is particularly heartbreaking, and truly expresses the desolation caused by the betrayal of a love: “It’s not possible to go back in life/And time won’t even stop for an instant/Let the night be boundless and my house remain empty/As the antique clock keeps ticking away”. Amazing. Video of a ‘live’ performance.

Балет - Balyet/Ballet

This song is, well, catchy is the best way to describe it… along with pompous, unbelievably pretentious and totally kitsch. Composed by Igor Nikolayev, one of the best songwriters I’ve ever known of, it has a solemn, stout melody and an outrageously tacky instrumentation that’s half bad stage musical, half Baroque fanfare. I don’t have much to say about it, except that it is a good showcase of both Pugacheva’s mid-eighties’s, pre-tobacco and booze utter ravage, voice. It has also a spectacular end, with what seem to be armies of instruments fighting against each other for dominion of the melody. Video.

А Я В Воду Войду - A Ya V Vodu Vojdu/And I Shall Enter The Water

This song is one of Pugacheva’s few incursions into dance territory. As it always happens with her, the lyrics are quite good, even though I consider this song to be rather peculiar. The melody is there, it’s just that it seems to try to go against what a beautiful melody is supposed to be… It is definitely a strange song, but it is also full of hooks and its repetitive, aggressive chorus will be stuck to your head for days. It comes from the 1998 compilation Da!/Yes!, which mostly contains songs that Alla sang during her televised Christmas concerts during the previous five years. The album is as peculiar as this song, combining downright odd folk/rock fusions and strange techno ballads – not precisely Christmas music, but enjoyable nonetheless. Hilarious 'live' performance that showcases Alla in all her glory. ;-)

Не Обижай Меня - Nye Obizhaj Myenya/Do Not Aggravate Me

This song is one of the few original tracks included in the beautiful 2001 semi-compilation disc Rechnoj Tramvajchik. It is one of the best songs I’ve heard by Igor Nikolayev, and it’s truly delightful in every sense. A very special ballad that combines a rapidly flowing melody and a fast beat with a profound sense of desperation and hopelessness, it is rich in both beauty and theatricality; it starts very slowly, with a tearful Alla reciting the lyrics in a broken, wistful voice. When things cannot become any more pathetic, the song explodes into a cheerful quasi dance song that drastically contrasts with the extremely sad melody and mournful lyrics. Beautiful. Live performance of a very vocally diminished Pugacheva.

The Swedish belter of reason - Carola Häggkvist

Carola is one of Sweden’s best kept secrets… or maybe the only one, since I am yet to hear about a contemporary Swedish singer who can match her vocal abilities, or has any real potential for an international career (then again, normally I am not that interested in Swedish pop, so I may very well be wrong – please, feel free to correct me). However, Carola has much more to offer, since she appears to be a capable songwriter and is an engaging, vivacious performer, even if her voice seems to permanently be on the verge of irreversible damage, as it always sounds raspy and ragged. A less desirable side of her personality is that she also comes with quite a lot of baggage in the forms of Christian fundamentalism and publicly declared homophobia: two elements in her life from which she has been trying to distance herself as of late. I suppose that she’s finally realized that, when you alienate a significant part of your fan base by saying outrageously offensive things about them, they won’t be willing to keep buying your records… oh, the cleverness of this girl.

Born in 1966 in Stockholm, Carola is one of Sweden’s best-selling artists, having the honour of never having left the privileged lands of platinum sales, and having the highest sales ever for an artist’s début album in Sweden with 1983’s Främling, which she released at the tender age of 16! Her popularity and professional prestige were enough to grant her a collaboration album composed and produced by the marvellous, glorious, fantastic and semi-divine Bee Gees (my second favourite group after Fleetwood Mac! Oh, maybe this will sound absurd - forget about that, it is absurd -, but in my eyes, that’s enough to redeem anyone :-P ), The Runaway. When she finished the extremely long tour to promote the album, an exhausted Carola decided to take some time to rest in the end of 1989, which is to say that she went into a short retirement.

However, she was not to be forgotten! In 1991, she made a ‘triumphal’ (ha!) return by winning the ‘coveted’ (double ha!) first place in Satan’s Yearly Collection of Torture (also known as Eurovision Dumpster Farce) with the horrible song Fångad Av En Stormvind. From there, Carola went to indulge in her (overzealous) faith by singing exclusively Gospel music and taking lead roles in soporific family-friendly musicals such as The Sound Of Music. In fact, she was so successful at them that she even débuted in London’s West End! Which places her in the same lofty heights only trodden by the brightest luminaries of British culture, such as Shane Ritchie, Billie Piper and that beautiful hippopotamus-faced, amazing(ly) poor attempt at a bad Liza Minnelli wannabe, Martine McCutcheon. Classy.



In 2001, Carola made a truly triumphal return with the spectacular album My Show, which united her again with the Bee Gees, stemmed a collaboration with Burt Bacharach and spawned the completely delectable hit I Believe In Love (which I’ve included here for what will indubitably be your listening pleasure, since it’s a fantastic song). From there onwards, Carola has kept finding success time and time again, in spite of the fact that in 2002, in an interview for a gay magazine, she had the nerve to declare that homosexuality was unnatural, and could be cured by praying… Let’s just say that I’ll reserve my comments regarding this matter to myself…

Anyway, Carola has resorted to the eternal ‘that evil journalist deliberately misquoted me’ excuse to save face (and her career, I guess) and, after suffering the embarrassment of being shut up by members of her delegation when yet another wicked, wicked journalist asked her about her opinions on homosexuality during a press conference, she represented Sweden in Eurovision in 2006 and attained a meagre 5th place with Evighet, the only decent song in the year’s top ten besides Anna Vissi’s passable ballad Everything. Oh, Evighet also happens to be Carola’s one and only number one hit in Sweden.

Even though some of the things I have said about Carola might have put you off (it’s not as if I had dragged her name through the mud anyway – the original post I had prepared was truly caustic), I’d like to ask you to give her songs a try. She is a good singer, and her material is, for the most part, of excellent quality. Oh, and I’d also like to remind you to buy her records! Go to Amazon. Oh, also, I cannot provide translations for the song titles, since my knowledge of Swedish is limited to ‘Stockholm’, and the furthest I’ve ever gone in my understanding of it has been saying ‘pardon?’ when someone used the word ‘smorgasbord’. Again, if anyone can assist with that, I’ll be grateful. :-)

A Kiss Goodbye

This gorgeous disco song is simply pure dance bliss. It is one of the freshest, most enjoyable songs that I’ve heard in quite a long time. It has all the standard elements of a typical disco song: slow melodic start, percussion kicks in, 4/4 beat and slight shifts in tempo to suit the anthemic, fast chorus. In short, perfection. This comes from the My Show album, and it is, as you might have already heard, awesome. By the way, I shall not rest until The Goddess Donna Summer records this song – it was tailor made for her, and it would be a welcome change since, as of late, her material isn’t exactly thrilling.

I Believe In Love

This impossibly catchy song was apparently a massive hit in Sweden, and I can see why. It is simply delightful, and maybe my tendency to exaggerate is clouding my judgement, but I believe that it could have opened the doors of an international career to Carola. It combines an irresistible stacatto beat with an extremely catchy melody that’s rich in algid points, even though I must say that the delicious chorus, with its cheerful lyrics and repetitive melodic progressions, is just lovely. Video.

När Löven Faller

This simply marvellous ballad is from Carola’s superb 2003 anthology Guld, Platina Och Passion. As far as I’ve read, it was a very sizeable hit. It is an extremely sweet and memorable ballad that transmits a very profound sense of despair – at least that’s what it evoked in me, since I cannot understand a word from the lyrics. It starts very, very slowly, carefully creating a sorrowful mood that languidly flows into the spectacular bridge, which is like a thunderbolt in the middle of a mild winter rain… I can barely find the words to communicate how beautiful this song is. Just listen to it. Video of a live performance.

Stanna Eller Gå

This excellent dance song seems to have been, yet again, especially made to attain international success – which is attested by the fact that it has already become a massive hit in Greece thanks to Marianta Pieridi (find her version, under the name DJ, here). Personally, I think that Carola’s voice sounds particularly rough in here, which is surprising, given the fact that this is a studio recording. The closest I’ve been able to find to a video is this. Here, what obviously is a HEAVILY pregnant Carola (that, or she needs to pray to cure her gluttony) screeches and rasps her way through the song while accompanied by what look like four overfed Walkyries in home-made Halloween costumes. Looking at Carola gracefully bringing her lard-covered hand to her throat to justify that she sounds like a cat being strangled is quite a show, but I have to say that the Walkyries steal it with their majestic and elegant cellulite jiggling, which reminds me of the average walrus looking for a suitable partner during mating season.

The Italian voice of heartbreak - Laura Pausini

I can’t believe that it’s taken me so long to write about Italian pop singers! Some of the best, most sophisticated pop ever has been produced in Italy; there’s no doubt about it. The country has a wonderful musical legacy, both in the classical and the contemporary pop genres – as well as some amazing, extremely talented singers. But I digress! Allow me to begin the article: Laura Pausini is the most commercially successful female singer in Italy, and also a megastar in the Spanish and Portuguese speaking worlds - since all her albums have been translated to Castilian language, and a few of her greatest hits have been re-recorded in Portuguese. This is also probably because no one portrays quite like her the feelings of shock, boundless despair and utter defeat that destroy people’s ability to reason properly once they realize that love has abandoned them, and won’t come back. Or maybe it is because she just chooses excellent material and sings it with passion… Either way, La Pausini has enthralled many a person wherever she’s gone, and given a tearful backdrop to millions of ending relationships. Her music is mostly brooding and depressing, and that’s why you have to lover her, right? ;-) No, seriously, her music can’t be categorized as anything else than beautiful, and her liquid, vibrant soprano voice is just a joy to listen to.

La Pausini belongs to a generation of young singers who have internationalized Italian pop, both traveling with it all around the world, and bringing new influences into it. Laura in particular seems to have gradually progressed from melodic ballads to American-styled acoustic rock with notable ease, and even though her repertoire isn’t exactly what you could call varied, she more than compensates for it with enormous passion and enthusiasm.

Born in the picturesque town of Faenza in 1974, Laura had a very comfortable childhood surrounded by her doting, ever supportive parents in the extremely wealthy province of Emilia-Romagna. There’s a reason why I am saying this: when Laura was eight, she started singing professionally – by thirteen she had published her first album, which was mainly produced by her father, who obviously had the means to leave his job and dedicate himself to promote her daughter full-time. Obviously, the Pausinis weren’t poor, and the region had enough infrastructures to support financing the public events in which Laura frequently sang - being paid for it, of course. By 1993, eighteen-year-old Laura was famous enough as to be selected to participate in the San Remo Song Festival (a.k.a. Eurovision just for Italy, and with ridiculous pretensions), which she won with La Solitudine/Loneliness, one of her signature songs.



After becoming a star overnight, Laura released her first, self-titled album, and spent the next two years promoting it all over the world. I remember those days as pre and post-Laura Pausini. Simply put, she came in like a tidal wave, and flooded all the markets where her album was released. This trend has continued since then, and while she has often kept participating in the San Remo Festival to promote many of her singles in Italy (it seems to be some sort of bizarre tradition that all singers must observe), she’s kept reaping on the rewards of being fabulous about everywhere else.

I know that there weren’t any melodramatic and sordid things to say about Laura, but that’s what you get when you start liking wholesome, serious career-oriented musicians who truly have talent (let me tell you, it’s sheer agony! ;-P). Sorry. I promise something shocking before the end of the month. Thus, I leave you with the selection I’ve made! I hope you really enjoy it. But as always, I have to remind you to go to buy Laura’s albums here first.

In Assenza Di Te/In Your Absence

This exceptionally beautiful song was the biggest hit from Laura’s 1998 La Mia Risposta/My Answer – and when I mean it was the biggest hit, I mean it was ENORMOUS. Personally, I have always found that, strangely enough, Laura sounds more comfortable singing in any other language besides her own. When she sings in Italian, she is always far too careful and it seems that it’s difficult for her to let loose. Still, few things could mar this song; it’s simply marvellous. A wintry tale of heartbreak, it combines a delicate background that gracefully evolves by adding new little elements to the whole, while keeping the focus on Laura’s impeccable voice. Video.

Surrender

In 1997, David Foster heard Laura singing in the radio, and was so impressed that contacted her management, offering to collaborate with her. Their first song together was a very depressing ballad called One More Time, which was included in the soundtrack of the awful film Message In A Bottle - shit film and even worse soundtrack, by the way. If you want the song, I’d recommend you buy her Greatest Hits collection, E Ritorno Da Te/And I Come Back To You (2001). However, it wouldn’t be until three years after that song that Laura would release her English language début, From the Inside (2002). It is a lovely album that could be best described as Céline Dion dabbles with blues and a little techno. Lovely, to be clear. This song is quite danceable, and was the first of the two only singles released to promote it. It literally bursts out of your speakers with joy. Just as I said a moment ago, lovely. American version of the video.

Resta In Ascolto/Listen Carefully

This is the title track from Laura’s 2004 return to her two main markets, Italy and the Spanish-speaking world. In it, the melodies as polished as always and the production is impeccable, but there’s a greater sense of freedom as she comfortable jumps into rock music. This song in particular combines very soft, mellow verses with an impossibly catchy belted chorus highlighted by electric guitars that give a certain harshness to the song. I have to say that I really loved the transformation. Video.

Nei Giardini Che Nessuno Sa/In The Gardens That Nobody Knows

This is my favourite song from her latest album Io Canto/I Sing, from 2006. The songs are lovely, but this is just adorable. A pensive, melancholic ballad that slowly navigates through an oppressive, yet surprisingly sparse musical background, it takes more than two minutes to reach the spectacular chorus, which emerges from the misty guitars of the beginning like a through of fresh air in a hot summer day. It’s one of the best ballads I’ve heard so far this year.

Album Review Pt 2 - Marie Serneholt's Enjoy The Ride

I don’t know what has happened in Marie Serneholt’s life since A*Teens disbanded, but after listening to her début album, I deduce it must have been pretty awful, since she seems to be longing to retrocede in time to the teen craze of the year 2000, and live her adolescence once again. Maybe it is that sharing the spotlight with the group’s other three members was incredibly frustrating for the inner prototypical teen, pop-singing nymphet that she so desperately tries to unleash in this record, but the truth is that this music is incredibly dated for 2007, and not above most of the drivel that saturated the airwaves back then and propitiated the emergence of the Avril Lavignes and hip hop-filtered Beyoncés of the world. In short, this product is long past its caducity date.



The album opens with the amusing title track, which draws the listeners in with somewhat aggressive electric guitar chords that create a sense of expectation for an thunderous chorus or explosive finale that never materialize. Conversely, what we get is a cutesy chorus that tells us to enjoy the ride over a fast garage beat. The adorable melody’s subtle shifts, however, make this song enormously enjoyable, with Serneholt showing off her very pretty voice to its best effect across endless layers of vocal overdubs (which makes me wonder, how would Britney Spears’ material have sounded if someone with a little talent had sung it?). The importance of this song is considerable, given the fact that, in its little more than three minutes of length, the strengths and weaknesses of the album are revealed. Marred by an often bizarre production that aims to be innovative, but ends up being a chaotic mish mash of neurotically assembled little pieces, stupid lyrics that pretend to be adult by referring to (oh, the originality!) infidelities and sex - plus maybe far too little ambition, the album pretends to be enjoyable, but it is such a half effort that it ends up being just a guilty pleasure.



The record strives to surprise with the Cardigans-esque Wasted Love, a gorgeous song that presents us with the tragedy of teenage heartbreak over an urgent bass line and a rock-ified background that becomes effective by the cold, metallic sheen that the producers give to Marie’s vocals. Sadly, the album lacks any other experiments of this sort, and the majority of its ten tracks are little more than joyless revisions of a now obsolete formula. Take the faltering The Boy I Used To Know and the absolutely dismal I Can’t Be Loved, for example; both songs waste perfect choruses that burst out with energy (Max Martin would be proud) by forcibly cramming them into square melodies and pushing them down with frantic productions that run across a myriad of samples and vocal effects only to come out overwrought, and completely flat.

That’s The Way That My Heart Goes

Beyond Tonight



These missteps are avoided, however, in a number of tracks – most of which have, not curiously at all, been selected as singles. Lead single That’s The Way That My Heart Goes is simply delicious with its whispered, half-spoken verses and waving choruses, which bop in and out of the song with a rush of enthusiastic cheer. This trend is continued with the joyous I Need A House, which carefully straddles the line between pop/rock and dance music while naively addressing teenage homelessness. Driven forward by an infectious chorus and adorable harmonies, the song seems to be at least thirty seconds too short, and one is left with a feeling of not having gotten enough. The same could be said about the relationship anthem I Love Making Love In the Morning, which cheerfully celebrates the joys of sex from the perspective of a fifteen year old imagining how her life will be in ten years time (those who enjoyed the horrid film Thirteen Going On Thirty, will be thrilled by this). It is, nonetheless, a great slice of chocolate, jam and custard-coated cake.

I Love Making Love In The Morning

Calling All Detectives

This trend is redressed, however, when Serneholt ventures into ballad territory. In the delicate love anthem Beyond Tonight, easily the best song in the album, she is given enough time to flex her tiny, still juvenile voice into some sort of emotional expression, bringing much needed depth to the record with a feeling of uncertainty and desire to make love last that’s simply charming in its innocence. Its apparent continuation, the aptly titled Oxygen, slowly lifts the listener up to heaven between soft harmonies and longing sighs. A final highlight of the album, is the fast ballad Calling All Detectives, which combines some of the most ridiculous lyrics imaginable with a gorgeous melody and a haunting electric piano that keeps chirping over the rhythmic percussion and lovely acoustic touches.

Well, here we come to the final review of the month! I really hope it’s wasn’t too boring – I know my writing can be very dull and cryptic on occasions. I’d also like to remind you to buy this album. Go here.

Admire this Bulgarian 'treasure'!

Someone who knows how obsessed I am with anything to do with folk music, recently mentioned this video to me. However, I have to say that more than ‘folk’, I’d have to call this ‘gawd!’ (sorry, it was a stupid joke). It’s from Azis, the king of Bulgarian chalga, which is a genre that blends Bulgarian, Slavic and Middle Eastern folk with Western dance music – quasi perfection, to be clearer. Let me tell you, the first time I saw Azis, I doubted whether I should point and laugh or fall on my knees and thank God for this miracle. Azis is camp. In the worst way imaginable. Incredibly tacky and trashy is the best way to describe him. Just look at this video: In it, Azis waves and gyrates in the middle of a construction site while wearing an outfit that makes him look like a cross between Mad Max and an Ottoman concubine. Meanwhile, three massive bodybuilders change in a locker room, longingly staring at each other, then they sweat and sweat and sweat around Azis, until the end, when... Well, watch the video! Then you'll be able to enjoy the most marvellous collection of outrageous clichés that anyone's ever seen!!!

So far I have managed to find quite a bit of information on Azis, which means that you can expect a post about him really soon! I am also trying to look for a place that sells his records; in fact, if anyone can suggest a trustworthy place to buy them online, I’ll be immensely grateful! Oh, but let’s not forget about the music. I am in LOVE with chalga, and I’m sure that you’ll also fall in love with it. The song is called No Kazvam Ti Stiga, which I can’t translate, as I’ve no knowledge of Bulgarian – if anyone can assist in this as well, I’ll be equally grateful. However, it is one of the best fusions of techno and folk I’ve ever heard. Wonderful!

The joyous rose of Turkey - Gülşen

Gülşen is Turkey's most desired, and widely despised singer. The scourge of feminists and religious fundamentalists (who would have thought that it was possible for these two groups to ever agree over something?), Gülşen works hard to convince her fellow citizens that contributing to reduce women to the status of mere sexual objects is a noble pursuit, especially if you do so clad in a transparent bikini and a little cheap jewellery (you have to include it – diamanté is a necessity if you want to avoid catching colds! ;-P). However, things were not always like this. Once a chaste, pious and contrite serious musician, Gülşen proudly declared her love for all things traditional and artsy. Not surprisingly at all, she did so because she coursed her baccalaureate studies in the prestigious Şehremini Lisesi, widely considered one of the best educational centers in Turkey, and is a graduate in Musicology from the renowned Music School of Istanbul’s Technical University. She also happens to be an excellent guitar player and a fantastic composer – the poor thing probably wanted to be admired for her work and not for her body. Aaaaawwww, poor misguided soul in desperate need of stilettos, silicon implants and a fake tan! :-P Still, she managed to achieve notoriety on the strength of her deep, rich contralto voice and some unbelievably beautiful compositions, for which she was seen as a possible candidate to, one very distant day, occupy Sezen Aksu's lofty throne right on the very top of the Turkish pop music heaven.

However, people soon tired of Gülşen's artful dalliances, and her awesome third album Şimdi/Now (2002) failed miserably in the charts in spite of being one of the best works of art by any Turkish musician in that year. After having to cancel concerts and presentations due to an overall lack of interest, I guess that she spent a few days in deep mediation and came up with this brilliant answer to the existential question: what do you do when you’re talented, unfairly ignored and still young enough? Easy. You stop wearing clothes in public! So, after a little water, lettuce and apples dieting, some torrid sessions on a tanning bed and a bit of liposuction here and there to accelerate the process, our once prodigal daughter Gülşen came out of the detox clinic as the very flower of whore-dom! ;-P And I love her even more for it, because her music hasn’t lost any of its quality and now she’s a whole lot more entertaining to watch! In addition, I must admit that I can’t get enough of the "I know I'm too hot for you to do so, but if you take me seriously I might shag you later" paradoxal shadow that falls over everything that she’s done as of late. It gives her desperation a touch of complexity that’s missing from all the other clothes-averse pop tarts in Turkey :-P. Or the world, for that matter.



Now, seriously, I have to say that it is indeed sad that a talented musician like her should be forced to pander to the lowest common denominator in order to save her career, but what the heck! She’s selling millions now. Anyway, there’s not much more to say about her, since her life seems to have been devoid of any significant dramatic experiences, and she seems to be one of the few young Turkish musicians whose careers haven’t been built by Sezen Aksu.

Thus, without further ado, I present you with the selection I’ve made; I really hope you’ll enjoy it! But as always, I’d like to remind you to go to buy her albums here.

Yurtta Aşk, Cihanda Aşk/Love In the World, Love In the Land (Dance Version)

The original version of this, the title track from her latest album (2005), is a rather good disco song that’s strongly influenced by Middle Eastern folk. Still, I’ve chosen this remix version of it because it has acoustic flamenco ornamentation, some heavy electric guitars and a far more aggressive beat – it’s more international, in short. The title of the song is inspired by a famous phrase from Mustafa Kemal Atatürk; the father of modern, secular, rabidly pro-Western Turkey – ‘yurtta barış, cihanda barış’ (peace in the world, peace in the land). As pretentious as this shameless paraphrasing of a great man who changed the course of Turkish history is, I must admit that the song is AWESOME, and the lyrics quite good. So much so, that it was one of the biggest hits in 2005 in Turkey, spending seven weeks at number one in the charts! But the album has so much more! In it, Gülşen has included reggaeton, R&B, folk numbers and even house music! God, how I love her! Video.

Sarışınım/My Blond One

This cover of a 1988 Sezen Aksu mega-hit is FABULOUS!!! Whereas the original is marred by what could be best described as bizarre synthesizer effects disastrously clashing against each other, this is given the full folk/pop treatment that it ought to have had in the first place, and the results are just… AAAAAAAHHHHHH! Let’s just say that I love this so much, that Gülşen could very well start releasing actual shit from now on, and I’d still happily buy it. She’s bought my eternal loyalty with this! It begins with heavy percussion that keeps running all the way to the end of the song, and is frequently paired by a thick, heavy bass line that will have you bopping around in no time!!! But the wind section of the song is what really makes it so awesome. It was also a huge number one hit in 2004, especially after the video, in which Gülşen appears dancing in a transparent bikini that barely covers her ‘charms’ with false diamonds (her jewels ;-P actually had to be digitalized before the video was broadcast), was banned from Turkish television for being considered pornographic! Here it is!

Sakıncalı/Objectionable (Acoustic Version)

This beautiful acoustic song is an example of what Gülşen is capable of, both as a composer and producer. Opened by melancholic piano instrumentation, this wonderful folk-inspired ballad combines very slow, delicate verses that come alive with violins and oud arpeggios, and fast choruses that keep their urgency thanks to a heavy bass line and some rapid percussion, which keeps appearing and disappearing as the melody lazily unfolds. It’s simply gorgeous. Video.

Of… Of…

The title track for her 2004 rising from the ashes, this song doesn’t really mark a sharp departure from everything that Gülşen had done before, but it is nonetheless still different enough as to have been a surprise for most of her fans. I’m not sure about the meaning of the title, because it has nothing to do with the lyrics (it’s a typical ‘I left you, you found someone new and now that I want you back, you’re taking revenge by playing with my feelings’ sort of song), but it’s very catchy and fun, so I don’t really mind! I LOVE the combination of a fast trance beat with traditional çiftetelli instrumentation. It’s gorgeous! Video.

Album Review Pt 1 - Three singles by Kaiti Garbi

First of all, allow me to say that I have been tempted to post these singles in their entirety, since it’s unlikely that most of you will be willing to spend money in an expensive import single that costs almost as much as an album – but, sadly, I just cannot do it. Sorry. However, I am posting the songs that I thought you’d enjoy the most, so at least you’ll have the opportunity to sample each single separately and, if one day you feel like spending capriciously, you’ll hopefully purchase them. Oh, I almost forgot. If you want to buy any of them, go to Greekmusic.

Second, I would like to mention that this review is an exception, and I will indeed resume posting normally after it. Thus, you can expect a proper album's review later in the month. After these small clarifications, allow me to start! :-)
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Τι Θέλουνε Τα Μάτια Σου; (Ti Theloune Ta Matia Sou?/What Do Your Eyes Want?) [CD single - 2000]



Τι Θέλουνε Τα Μάτια Σου; was the first independent single that La Garbi released in her almost twenty-five-year career, and seems to have been little more than an experiment designed to give her the chance to do something she’d never done before. This could be corroborated by the fact that the song wasn’t paid much attention to by either Kaiti or the record company (at the time, they were still promoting her massively successful album To Kati). Nonetheless, it did become a hit, even if she seldom performed it live and approached the whole affair nonchalantly, as if saying ‘look, this time I just want to enjoy myself’.

The original version of the title track is a laid back, watery acoustic rock song that waves placidly across your mind, only to surprise you in the end with a fierce electric guitar solo that comes out of nowhere! It is one of Kaiti’s most amusing songs, because it is pretty straightforward and lacks the explosive instrumental breaks and passionate delivery that characterizes most of her material.

In addition to the title track, the album boasts two new songs and two remixes. Of the new songs, the impossibly pretty (and surprisingly bare of instrumentation) folk number Kane To Logariasmo/Pay the Bill is as close to pre-Turkic influence as modern Greek music can get. A moderate hit on its own, it has however some sprinkles of bouzouki that shine around the melody, keeping the mental image of a calm sea over which rays of sunlight sparkle in bright, momentary reflections. Both the title track and this song were included in Garbi’s next offer, the massive double album Apla Ta Pragmata/Simple Things, which I shall review soon. However, they are remixed versions that have the slick wall-of-sound production that’s so characteristic of Modern Laika. I have to say that, personally, I prefer the original versions; they are a lot fresher and less overwrought and calculated.

The final new song, Aspro I Mavro, became very popular and received quite a lot of radio airplay, even though it was never formally released as a single. It is an ordinary Middle Eastern pop song with some elements of Northern African raï – exotic to Western ears with its violin progressions and waving organ scales, it sadly doesn’t rise above the thousands of similar songs in that genre, and ends up sounding as clichéd and unoriginal as it is: very much. You can almost imagine a belly dancer waving her hips to this while middle-class families of tourists look on as they eat their kebabs. Ugh, tacky :-(.

The two remixes remain quite faithful to the original structure of the title track, only adding a few electronic touches that turn it into two relaxed, yet somewhat danceable numbers that are closer to chill out music than to proper dance floor stompers.

Άσπρο Ή Μαύρο - Aspro I Mavro/White Or Black

Τι Θέλουνε Τα Μάτια Σου; - Ti Theloune Ta Matia Sou?/What Do You Eyes Want? (Club Mix)
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Μία Καρδιά (Mia Kardia/A Heart) [EP single - 2002]



Mia Kardia is Kaiti’s first (and so far, only) EP single, the purpose of which was to keep the momentum built by the double album Apla Ta Pragmata. Basically a four-plus-one-song journey through all the possible disguises that dance music can adopt, Mia Kardia is fun!!! :-D It opens with the spectacular Middle Eastern folksy dance song Ante Geia, which is presented by redoubling drums only to explode into a furious whirlwind of violins, organ and several layers of percussion. With its impossibly catchy, bright chorus, it starts things with a high note! It is followed by the song Mia Kardia Tin Echo, an impossibly pretty slice of electro-pop that cheerfully bounces its way to your brain with an energetic bass line and all sorts of spiralling musical hooks that will make you lose yourself within the song.

Things are followed by the Banghra experiment To Thelo Toso/I Want It So Much, which combines sitars with distant Arabic chants and some touches of Greek traditional music over a prominent, loud mid-tempo beat. Next we come to the star of the EP, the dark and melodramatic journey across the devastated lands of heartbreak that is M'Echeis Arrostisei!!! This is by far my favourite song in the entire record – it starts as a ominous, harsh-sounding military march, only to then blossom into a fast, obscure dance track that’s constantly being pushed forward by an aggressive, pulsating beat and urgent, almost unnerving violins. The chorus shows its Middle Eastern influence only in the instrumentation, further highlighting the contrast between the simple melody and the elaborate ornamentation surrounding it. I absolutely LOVE this song.

The album is closed, surprisingly, by a folk ballad sung in duet with Giorgos Tsalikis, a traditional Laika star. Tha Meinei Metaxy Mas/It Shall Remain Between The Two Of Us, is a pleasant enough song, even though it is hardly original and, most certainly, it isn’t memorable. Just an exercise of marketing placed there to remind Garbi’s core audience that she isn’t willing to stray too far from Anna Vissi’s tried and tested formula for massive success, and thus lose sales.

Άντε Γειά - Ante Geia/Goodbye

Μία Καρδιά Την Έχω - Mia Kardia Tin Echo/I Have A Heart (80's Club Mix)

Μ'Έχεις Αρρωστήσει - M'Echeis Arrostisei/You've Made Me Become Ill
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Γαλάζιο Και Λευκό (Galazio Kai Lefko/Light Blue And White) [CD single - 2004]



With its addictive faux-R&B title track, which includes an amusing whispered rap, Kaiti Garbi voiced her patriotic feelings during the Spring of 2004 by saying that she wanted to paint the whole world light blue and white, like the Greek flag. The truly nice thing about it is that she did so riding on a heavy stacatto rhythm section and an addictive chorus that stuck to everyone's brain for most of the Summer season - so much so, that the single sold 27,000 copies, and reached number 3 in the charts. The aggressive B-side Katapliktiko! is a Middle Eastern-influenced dance track that includes, among other things, the amusing pairing of baglamas and banjo (!), typical violin ornamentation and an ear-shattering, heavy beat that furiously bashes the listener's eardrums. It is a definite highlight, and surreptitiously found its way to Greek dance floors in spite of never being properly released on its own.

However, I suppose to increase the marketability of the single (as if it needed any help), three remixes of previous hits were included. The fresh-sounding, radio friendly ditties were tailor made to fill the summery airwaves. The most notable of these remixes is the beautiful Summer Dance Mix of the hit Esena Mono which is, in its original form, a dull and instantly forgettable ballad – a true rarity in that it is one of Garbi’s very few missteps. However, thanks to the fact that it was extensively remixed, it managed to become a very sizeable hit. This is one of the best remixes.

Καταπλήκτικό! - Katapliktiko!/Awesome!

Εσένα Μόνο - Esena Mono/Only You (Nikos Terzis Summer Dance Mix)

Γαλάζιο Και Λευκό - Galazio Kai Lefko/Light Blue And White